Amber Red. Red Amber.

Rising from the amber red ashes never failed me before. This time the smoke has scorched my lungs halting any breath, and that lump from before appears to block any voice I thought I had left. Carrying the scars from my past, I usually am great at applying foundation to hide them. But, not this time. My past trauma returned once again, making me question every word and action executed. Craving the reassurance of actually being wanted, started a fire that consumed us both. You were already checked out though. You walked away without being harmed while I laid there letting it burn. You didn’t look back to even see my face, my eyes, my soul that was shattered knowing once again I was disposable. Once again, someone can walk right out of my life without caring if I exist at all. My exhaustion sets in being the amber red that continuously rises from the ashes, reborn with a smile on my face until the next time it emerges. However, as the days press on I can’t help but understand the fire can be tamed without needing assistance to put it out. I hold the extinguisher and as much as I’d like someone to come running to the rescue, I am strong enough on my own. Strong enough to understand that not everyone will stay and to let those go that don't deem you as an asset to their life. Another scar is added to my body, the fire subsides, my breath slowly returns, my eyes open, the sky is baby blue…the sky is baby blue, and I push my drained body off the ground. Although I feel like ash and the ground seems comfortable, I am and will always be the amber red.

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I often refer to the fire when my heart is involved. But, what about the intellectual part that takes over? From a young age, we were put into classes and given grades that proceeded how “smart” we were. How “enough” we were to receive the highest grade of all. Being anything less than resulted in a grade drop and placed into categories where we felt less than. Continuously striving for greatness, our self-esteem took a hit and we all felt like we needed something to prove. Something that would involve us so deeply that we felt as if we earned that shiny gold medal. As if people and achievements would be our prize to define us. So, where did we go wrong? Feeling as if people only stay when you're "enough," or "perfect." When we lose, we place the blame on them for not being enough for us. Casting them out and cutting them off completely as if we deserved something. Deserved to place blame and act as if they are the bad guy. When in all reality, it wasn’t a contest for who was the victim and the villain. When we were both neither. The “good/ bad” made us decide between the two. What about the middle? What about nothing? Sometimes we think we deserve others to fawn all over us for being perfect. But, perfect to who? When did the grading system of being “enough,” reach into our personal lives? How do we separate the two? How do we understand that some people aren’t right for us and that’s okay? Can’t we understand and feel all at the same time? Why is life a contest and being angry at someone for leaving means you’re not “enough?” Why do we think we have to understand at all? Often one person may lead with their heart, others may lead with their minds. People should do both. Understanding to not have to understand and feeling but not letting it consume or make you angry for the other party. We don't have to be "enough" for others to want to stay. Sometimes when it comes down to it, finding happiness within ourselves is the prize and if people stay, that's the bonus. So, what do you lead with? Why not lead with both?