Falling Deeper Down the Rabbit Hole

The colors shine so bright dripping down to the rabbit hole where reality turns into dimensions unseen, hoping to find the depression that controls time. I’ve never went out looking for the thing that takes me to the darkness but this time I needed a solo act to face the person hiding behind the mask. So, I jump with one last breathe of uncertainty falling faster seeing hints of purple, orange, blue, yellow, red, pink, darker purple, darker blue, darker just darker, a spiral of colors wrapping around my body as a blanket.

I find myself in the moment of time, stuck between the future and the past memories, falling slowly. I turn and see a young child hating on her body, pulling the skin as if it would just slip off to reveal someone new. Screaming into her pillow to stop the feeling of worthlessness as she stares at me telling me to end it now. I push away and keep falling, falling deeper down the rabbit hole.

There she is again, laying down as doctors and nurses poke her with probes and whisper false diagnosis. Those eyes, they keep starring into the unknown praying to the one above that’s supposed to help, yet nothing. She walks away without a single tear even though her soul is disappearing above me. I try to pick up the pieces to put her back together but once again I fall deeper down the rabbit hole.

Two mouths spitting out words as doors slam around them simultaneously. This girl, she keeps running into each room placing Band-Aids and bandages on the wounded. But her scars keep opening to breathe which continues to release a beautiful color of hope as her feet start to slow down. She keeps going, keeps crawling to each room. I follow her to a door revealing everyone being healed and walking away as she slowly decays into an array of her own colors. The door slams and I yell, “keep going!” as I fall deeper down the rabbit hole.

Screaming, “where am I?” as unknown figures start to run around a girl much older with caved in eyes. She’s pale white as if the colors completely drain from her. I try yelling “what’s wrong?” Everything’s moving around her, people, relationships, jobs, places, things, events. But she just lays there. Not talking. Not moving. Not breathing. “I don’t understand,” I say. Just as I take a step, I start falling deeper down the rabbit hole.

I see her stomach inflate above me. She’s breathing. Don’t you see she’s breathing? Wait! Starring down at me, she starts running, trying to catch me. I place a hand out fighting to grab on but the deeper we go the darker it is to see. I keep falling deeper down the rabbit hole.

My feet finally hit the deepest part of nothingness as I look up to reveal the darkness that I was so terrified of existing within. Standing in the pitch-black the only thing I could see was a woman in a mask in front of me. She hugs me and instantly I’m not afraid. Instantly I don’t feel alone, instantly I don’t feel like I need to control it but lean into her. The mask removes and I stare back at nothing other than myself. The girl, her eyes, my eyes start to come back to life as the colors start spiraling around us, lifting us towards the surface. The colors pour into the opened wounds as the memories start to fade as we travel up the rabbit hole.

I close my eyes for one second and everything vanishes back into reality. The only thing that remains is a feeling of hope, love, and understanding. I fell deep down the rabbit hole in search of control, but it wasn’t control I needed. Instead I found acceptance of the past, of the person I was, and the unknown that lies within my future. Sometimes all you need to do is dive deep down the rabbit hole to find it.