Feel The Darkness, Be The Darkness, Use The Darkness

Raise your hand if you’ve ever heard bad news about yourself that you can’t change.

Yup, mine is up there.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever had to talk someone or multiple people off the ledge, including a family member.

Raised, still raised.

Raise your hand if you’ve been through every obstacle imagined getting where you are and still aren’t happy?

Yup, both hands raised high now, “spirit fingers” shaking.

We get it, you’ve been through shit!

Why do we bring our shit up constantly to get people to know us?

The darkness that’s inside all of us is created through fears and past events that have channeled into our bloodstream, pumping throughout our entire existence.

Why do we stay so long in that feeling?

Why do we allow it to be there without paying rent?

People feed off the darkness as if that’s the only thing that’s interesting about us. Nobody wants to hear how well we’re doing or how we’ve beaten the darkness only for a few days because that isn’t what drives the story, our story. We reply with our past as if that’s what defines us into who we’ve become. I get it.

My past hasn’t been all flowers and rainbows just like yours hasn’t either, but it will be attached onto us forever.

People tell me that they won’t understand me or my writing if I don’t dive deep into my darkness and pull out what they really want to know. So, I dive back into my darkness, scared that this time I won’t return. Stuck, just sitting there waiting to pull myself back out again until I post another article. So how can I be the darkness, use the darkness, and feel the darkness if every time I crumble during it all?

I guess when I think back to why I started my blog in the first place it was because I needed to tell my story. I needed someone to just hear me. I became the “Unknown Girl” because I simply felt unknown. There’s an incredible amount of talent and beauty in the city but sometimes we can still feel like we are in fact “unknown.” Pushing through the days to make enough money to stay sane, while trying to just make yourself good enough for someone to see you and to hear you.

Aren’t we all just trying to be seen, trying to be heard, and trying to be understood?

When did we start becoming so self-absorbed with wanting to be more?

Feeling like we need to be remembered long after we are gone?

It seems simple doesn’t it? To work until someone see’s your ability for greatness and the appreciation you’ve been longing towards?

These days we all are just trying to be something that in the process of it all we were slowly decaying into being forgotten. Wanting and praying to not be runner up but instead be first place. Whether that’s your career, relationships, or in the eyes of your peers. Most would agree that at some glimpse of a moment you’ve felt that way in every situation. Not enough for your job to retain a higher pay raise or even the recognition you think you deserve.

What’s the deal with getting that title you believe you should receive just to prove a point that you’ve finally made it?

Finally accomplishing something to show off as if anyone’s opinions about you matters.

Will it change the way people view you or even the reason for someone to date you because of your status?

Well, let me tell you this; there will always be someone who will be prettier, more successful, more educated, and better than you. That statement isn’t supposed to halt you from accomplishing or living up to your full potential. We all are just trying to be better than the next person and understanding this is insight on how not to compare yourself to others. After all, we may not be the best for a certain career or even for a specific person, but we will be enough for the right career and the right person. The right career will show off your title to ensure you are showcased enough, not for others, but for yourself. The relationship will give you support and will make you feel like you’re exactly perfect in every single way, unmatched for anyone else that comes along. It was throughout those times that the “unknown girl of la” was unknown, simply because I didn’t place myself into positions to get where I needed to be. I didn’t use my darkness as a tool but instead used it as a crutch to lean on when I needed to make an excuse for my actions. Our darkness often is seen as this terrible part about us, when actually it has more power when used correctly. Yes, our past can shape us, but it doesn’t have to define us.