When Did Becoming Proposed To Become So Complicated?

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting others.”

When you fly, you continuously hear this dialogue and it becomes instilled in you, until it happens. Then what do you do? Do you grab yours or do you grab the persons next to you? Do you breathe or do they? Choose, it needs to be done quickly, so choose. Make the decision. Will it be them or you?

I’m an empath which basically means I continuously grab others oxygen for them while risking myself entirely. All I do is help, or that’s how it’s always been. I can hear everyone screaming for someone to help them while I diminish within the crowd.

But I can’t just make this about me because it seems like the world is screaming these days. America, it was supposed to be the land of the free. Escaping the horrors of their own country just trying to make a better life for themselves yet getting any type of Visa or access to live here gets insanely difficult. So, they are left risking themselves for this picture of freedom that our country is supposed to resemble, this freedom that we are so proud of. I thought I understood how hard it can be for foreigners. I mean I thought I did. Then I met you.

You serenaded me with that smile that made me feel like I was the only one in the room. You looked at me and for the first time, in a long time, I felt like I was enough. I was all you needed, and I was completely yours. I didn’t have to ask for you to spend time with me or to even talk to me. You wanted to call and plan trips, and I mean damn, I didn’t even have to do anything but show up. You saw me, right? Did you see me, or did you see how I could help you?

You saw the empathy in my soul, and you took the opportunity. You took the opportunity to ask the one question I’ve been waiting my entire life to hear. The question I’ve been looking forward to hearing since I was sixteen. Those four words that I dreamt of. Those words that would mean that someone understood me entirely and yet still wanted to be with me. That I was forever enough. Those words fell out of your mouth as if you were just talking about the weather. Those four meaningless words. Will you marry me?

It was then I understood. Having to marry to stay in this country seemed like the easiest way, the only way. I finally understood how difficult it is while I sit privileged going about my day. I saw the fear within you that killed me to my core. I’m the one person who continuously lays down for others to step on just so their feet don’t get wet. I’d do anything to save someone even if it meant costing my own happiness. But how far does that go?

Even though I understood, I knew the conversation next to come wasn’t going to be an easy discussion. Fear floods my mind as I try to stay calm figuring out what to say. How can I be the deciding factor for someone to stay or go? Do I give up what we had or was what we had a mirage to make me fall for you? How can I be a reason someone gets this freedom that I was just born into? Am I even ready for marriage? I don’t love him, but maybe I will love him eventually, right? What about my happiness? Why does it even have to be about me? Why can’t I just say those four words?

This is the turbulence. The oxygen masks fell. I need to decide. His freedom or my happiness? My shaky hand reaches out towards the oxygen mask as breathing becomes more difficult. I looked into those eyes of yours, I breathe in, breathe out and take my own mask pulling it tight around my head.

The flight attendants are right. You need to place your mask on before helping others. As much as I understood the situation and wanted to help because that’s who I am, sometimes it’s okay to say no. To just breathe and know it’s okay if you don’t want something or you’re just not ready for it quite yet, no matter the circumstances. I used to think proposing was simple, but lately it seems diluted and complicated. Let me be clear, I do feel bad for saying no and it’s painful not to be the reason someone has a better life. This world seems more complex every day. But in order to help others, you first must breathe yourself. I’m sorry that those four little words couldn’t be said. I’m sorry.